Scarlet Carnation: A Novel Page 5

  His deep, faithful voice spoke out clear and strong: “Lord, we thank you for this most beautiful day. We are grateful to be gathering in health with your blessings spread out before us. We remember that all our good and all our glory come from you. Amen.”

  All of their voices echoed his affirmation of the sentiment in her heart.

  CHAPTER 5

  MAY

  July 1915

  “Did your monthly come yet?” Elena asked.

  Fighting back the wall of tears that threatened to cross the spillway of her eyes, May turned her head side to side. It had been three weeks since that night. Three weeks of seeing John, feigning nonchalance as she waited for a proposal . . . and for her monthlies. She followed all of Mrs. Sanger’s suggestions. She took Beecham’s Pills morning and night for each of the four days before she expected her period. She’d continued the vile practice when it didn’t come, but it wasn’t working. Her breasts grew tenderer, she felt faintly nauseated, and, the strangest of all, everything smelled more strongly. But no bleeding.

  “When do I tell him?”

  “Soon,” Elena advised. “You want to be married quickly. There’s no need to have whispering seven months after your wedding. Especially for a new professor!”

  May blushed and her stomach dropped. She’d been so certain she wasn’t risking anyone’s reputation. That their choice would be personal and private, never to be revealed to the world, but Elena was right. They must fix this soon.

  “I’ll go see him when we finish supper. Thank you for your wise counsel. I’m so emotional these days I can’t seem to think well.”

  She squeezed Elena’s hand.

  Elena asked, “I suspect you have not told Nana Lisbeth and Auntie Sadie.”

  May bit her lip and shook her head.

  “They will understand,” Elena declared.

  May shook her head again. She blinked back her tears. “I don’t want their pity. Momma never said so directly, but it was obvious she didn’t trust John’s intentions toward me. If she learns we are marrying only now that I am pregnant she will forever believe she was in the right.”

  “You want to be engaged before you tell them?” Elena asked.

  May shook her head for a third time. “I want to be married before they know.”

  “I understand,” Elena said. She twisted an imaginary key on her lips. “Your secret is safe with me.”

  “I’m sorry to bother you with my dramatics,” May said. “Your baby should be the most important topic of conversation.”

  Elena waved her hand, dismissing May’s concern. “We’re fine. We have months until the baby comes. Plenty of time to get our things set up. You know my mother . . . Mitta is ready to spring into action to take care of everything.”

  May nodded. She envied Elena’s settled life with a lovely home, a kind husband, and a cheerful mother nearby to welcome her baby. May didn’t have any of that and somehow found herself in this precarious situation.

  “Our babies will be less than a year apart!” Elena declared. “I know you expected to have more time before welcoming children, but I’m delighted the second cousins will be close in age.”

  May took in a breath. It was so like Elena to see the best in a hard situation. She was correct, though: it would be lovely to have them grow up together.

  “You are right, Elena. I look forward to watching them play together,” May said.

  Momma looked surprised when May said she was going directly to John’s after Sunday supper, but she didn’t ask and May didn’t tell why she was visiting her beau after dark.

  May’s heart pounded as she rang the bell. It felt an eternity waiting for John to come to the front of the building. Through the glass in the door she saw him walking toward her. He looked confused and then suddenly his face lit up when he realized who was calling on him. Her angst melted a bit.

  “What a delightful surprise!” he declared.

  “I just couldn’t stay away from you,” she teased.

  He took her hand and led her down the wide carpeted hallway and up the stairs to his floor. As soon as the door to his studio closed behind them he held her in his arms, kissing her passionately. Her body leapt in response and before she knew it they were entangled on his bed.

  She broke away from their embrace, and said, “I have something I must tell you.”

  She swallowed hard, her throat nearly swollen shut with nerves.

  “You sound so serious,” he teased. Then he studied her. His eyebrows shot up in question, and then pulled downward as he read her emotions. “What is the matter?”

  “I fear that I am pregnant,” she rushed out.

  John bolted upright; he sat on the edge of the bed, his feet on the ground, and faced away from May. Her heart pounded so hard in her chest that she heard the rush of blood in her ears. She couldn’t see his face.

  “You assured me,” he stammered, “that you were taking the right precautions.”

  “I did everything that the pamphlet recommended.” May sat up slowly, looked at his panicked face, and touched his back to comfort him.

  “I can’t . . . I’m sorry, but no,” he said, shaking his head.

  May exhaled and her throat closed up tight. She’d been upset too as she slowly accepted that her monthlies were not coming. It was too soon—for both of them. And yet, here they were.

  May soothed, “I don’t feel ready either. I was very upset at first too. I wanted to be a newlywed couple for a few years before adding children. There’s still a chance it won’t last. However, I wanted you to know so we can be married as soon as possible. Neither of us wants a fancy wedding. We can do it this week.”

  John stood up. He shook as he looked down at her. Was that pity in his eyes? May swallowed hard.

  “May, I’m sorry.” He seemed close to tears. “I let things go too far. I’m afraid you have misunderstood my intentions.”

  “What?!” Her throat closed up tight.

  “I think you’d best leave,” John declared.

  “What?” she stammered; fear and shame made her heart race.

  He took her hand and pulled her to the door. He kissed her cheek and said, “You are a lovely girl. You will make someone a great wife. Just not me. Take care of this . . . situation.”

  Her knees went weak. She could hardly hear him through the pounding in her head. John turned the knob, and led her by the hand into the hallway, then spun her around like he was twirling her in a dance rather than exiling her.

  “Goodbye,” he said solemnly. “And good luck.” He closed the door in her face.

  The shiny white wood mocked her as tears rolled down her cheeks. She’d run through this scene many ways in her mind. She’d imagined him joyful, confused, upset, or practical, but never pictured this would be the outcome of her revelation. John showed such devotion.

  She braced herself on the wooden frame and took a few breaths. She put an ear to the door, pressing so hard it hurt, but she couldn’t hear anything. May made a fist, ready to pound, and then fought the impulse. He needed time to adjust. Surely he would change his mind once he’d grown used to the idea of becoming a father.

  She let herself cry as she walked through campus, but once she got to Bancroft she wiped her tears. She didn’t want Nana Lisbeth and Momma to see her distress, and ask questions. She found her book and sat on the old davenport looking as if she were reading, but mostly gazed through a small opening in the curtain waiting for John. Certainly he would come to his senses and come over.

  Late, long after Nana Lisbeth and Momma were in bed, May sat watch. When her legs cramped up from sitting, she stood by the window, gazing through the glass and rocking from side to side; rage and sorrow alternated through her. Adrenaline kept her awake until well after midnight, when she finally faced the truth: John wasn’t coming tonight. She left her sentry and went to her bed.

  Momma’s heavy breathing filled the air as she slept without a care in the world. May climbed under the covers. She recalled the conversation with John, tried to remember his exact words, and wondered how she should have approached the topic. Eventually sleep overtook her, but dreams troubled her rest.

  In the morning May hid her dilemma at home and at work. Distracted and morose, she blamed a headache. She hardly slept the next night and could hardly function at work on Tuesday. She feared she would burst into tears or scream at the smallest frustration.

  May gave John two days to acclimate to the idea, but couldn’t give him more time to come around on his own. They had to marry soon. At the end of her workday she walked across campus and up the steep incline to his apartment.

  The hill and her nerves combined to cause her heart to beat hard. She rang the bell, breathing deeply to steady herself. It always seemed a long wait for him to come to the door, but today it was interminable. She studied the leaves of a bright-green maple tree. The light shining through them made the veins stand out.

  He didn’t come. He’s avoiding you! flashed through her mind. That was a foolish thought because there was no way for him to see it was her. John must be out. Still, she pushed the button again, two long, firm, satisfying presses. Next to her, a hummingbird darted in and out of a flower. It was beautiful. And working so hard.

  May sat on the steps. He had to return eventually and she would not allow him to put this off any longer. Every time a bubble of fury rose in her, she reminded herself that she too didn’t feel ready for a child. She’d done what she could to prevent a pregnancy—and prayed each day for it to end. It was hypocritical of her to think that his immediate response would be more mature than hers had been.

  She wished she had a book, or a newspaper, or something to distract her. She hummed “Amazing Grace” and hoped he would show grace in this situation. The apartm
ent wasn’t at the top of the hill, but she could see a nice view of the campus below and a bit of the bay to the west. She sat there long enough to watch the setting sun change the color of the sky. Bright blue transformed to orange and red mottled with pink clouds. She felt the beauty as a blessing, even in her agitated state.

  The door behind her opened. She turned around, expecting a stranger, but it was Mr. Lee, the building manager. He didn’t know her well but was always friendly and kind.

  “Good evening, Miss Wagner,” he said.

  “Hello, Mr. Lee,” she said. “I’m waiting for Mr. Barrow.”

  Mr. Lee’s eyebrows drew in, then empathy filled his eyes. May’s stomach dropped. Was that pity?

  “Mr. Barrow moved out last Monday,” he explained too kindly.

  Stunned, she asked, “Where?”

  “I’m afraid I don’t know.”

  “Was it sudden?”

  “He gave notice more than a month ago,” Mr. Lee replied with a verbal punch to May’s stomach.

  Weeks ago? And he hid it from me! A heat wave of anger dried any tears that threatened to well up.

  “Thank you for clarifying the situation for me,” May said. “Good night, Mr. Lee.”

  “Good evening to you, Miss Wagner,” he said. Then his voice dropped in sympathy. “And best wishes.”

  Mr. Lee’s kindness broke through her rage. She spun around, toward home, and let her tears flow. John lied to and then abandoned her. He gave notice before she told him she was pregnant. Was he only waiting for graduation? For relations?!

  Did he ever have genuine feelings or intentions toward her or was it only a dalliance? She replayed the last year. How could she have been so stupid, naïve, and foolish? She was in an untenable situation and had to find a way forward that didn’t include him—or becoming an unwed mother, responsible for a child without a husband.

  May took the train past her stop and rode through downtown Oakland until she got to Fourth Street and Broadway. She would talk this through with Elena, because time was of the essence.

  May walked into her cousin’s living room and yelled, “Hello.”

  “In here!” Elena’s voice came from the kitchen.

  “Good evening, May,” Peter said as he stood up from their kitchen table. The tall, black-haired man enveloped her in a bear hug and then said, in a knowing voice, “I’ll give you two some privacy . . . ,” and left.

  “He knows?” May asked.

  “You know I can’t keep things from him,” Elena reminded May. Her dark hair was braided back from her face. “Mitta, yes, because she will tell everyone. It is not easy either—being with her at the produce market all day. But with Peter, your news may as well be in a vault.”

  May nodded, then teared up.

  Elena read her and asked, “It hasn’t gone well?”

  May frowned and shook her head. Elena opened her arms and May gladly accepted a calm, comforting hug.

  Elena put on the kettle and gestured to the table. With a nod, she invited May to tell her story.

  May sighed and started, “After I left Auntie Diana and Uncle Sam’s on Sunday night I told John.” Choked up with emotion, May took a breath so she could continue. She forced words out from her tight throat. “He said I misunderstood his intentions. That I’d find the right man someday . . . and then—somehow I was in the hallway.”

  “He pushed you out the door?!” Anger filled Elena’s voice.

  May nodded.

  “Oh, honey!” Elena said.

  May teared up at her cousin’s sympathy. She was such a fool! A nauseating wave of shame flowed through her.

  She continued, though she sounded pitiful. “I gave him two days—two long, terrible days to change his mind. After work today I went to his apartment. I rang and rang. No answer. I sat on the steps determined to wait for him. Eventually his building manager, Mr. Lee, came out. He told me John moved out last Monday—as arranged more than a month ago.”

  Elena’s eyes grew wide in outrage, but her lips drew in and she didn’t speak.

  May said in a high voice, “He planned to drop me for weeks. Maybe months.” Heat rose in her chest, evaporating her tears. “I cannot believe I was ready to marry someone so devious!”

  Elena sighed. “This may not be a comfort, but I feel it is better that you discovered his true nature now rather than when it’s too late. However . . .” She eyed May’s belly.

  May stared into her cousin’s brown eyes. “You know who can end this condition for me.”

  Elena nodded. “It’s expensive,” she replied and stated the price.

  May sucked in her breath. That was much of the savings she’d expected to use to set up a household with John.

  “Not more dear than having a child I’m not ready for,” May countered.

  “Are you certain this is the right choice for you?”

  “Motherhood by choice, not by chance,” May said, modifying Mrs. Sanger’s quote just a bit. Her entire life would be changed, and not for the better, if she became a mother now before she was married. Though she fervently believed no one should be shamed for having a baby out of wedlock, she did not want to bear that mark for life. Society had moved beyond making women wear scarlet letters, but the stigma was still ever present.

  Elena patted her arm, left, and returned with a card.

  “Miss Turner’s pills worked for me and for Tina, but they will make you feel horrible. For many days,” Elena warned. “Ask her for the French Tonic to immediately bring on your menses. The immediately tells her your cycle is past due.”

  “I don’t know what I’d do without you,” May said. “I’m so grateful you and Peter haven’t moved far away to Martinez like your sister.”

  “Me too. I don’t wish for land or a big house. I like walking places and having all of you nearby. Do Auntie Sadie or Nana Lisbeth know yet?”

  “No!” May exclaimed. “And I don’t plan to tell them, ever.”

  “They would understand . . . and be supportive,” Elena said.

  May shook her head. She teared up. “You don’t know what it’s like—to still live with your mother when you are nearly twenty-one. I already feel as if I have failed. This situation is humiliating. I will not, cannot, admit it to them. Please don’t tell Auntie Diana. I know she will mean well, but I fear she would . . .”

  Cousin Elena interrupted: “Your secret is safe with me and Peter. He finds no satisfaction in repeating news about other people.”

  Elena opened her arms. May accepted the comfort of another hug. She rested her head on Elena’s shoulder, letting her tears flow. This was too much to bear. Her beautiful future was torn away from her and she must get through a most terrible ordeal.

  First she’d end the pregnancy, and then she would plan for what came next.

  The next morning May tucked a large fold of cash into her underclothes before she left for work. She was glad John was no longer a student so she didn’t face the possibility of seeing his face. Each thought of him brought a swirl of unpleasant emotions. Anger made her heart pound and sorrow burned her eyes. She pushed aside any rising of either rather than risk an embarrassing breakdown.

  Fortunately in early summer the department was quiet, with little to be done immediately. She finished everything that would be best done if she were to be away for a few days and feigned a stomach upset, giving her cover for departing and staying out for several days. If all went according to plan she’d actually be sick soon.

  The trolley took her from campus to downtown Oakland. She expected to find a dim shop hidden away up a staircase, but the doorway was right on Broadway, just above Grand Avenue. Gold letters on the window proclaimed:

  WOMEN’S WEAR

  DIRECTLY FROM

  FRANCE

  A pleasant bell sounded as May opened the door.

  A smartly dressed woman called out a greeting as she entered: “Good morning. How can I help you?”

  “My cousin recommended your French Tonic to me.” She flushed and her voice sounded high even to her own ear.

  “Immediate or monthly?”

  “Immediate, please.” Her heart pounded.