Scarlet Carnation: A Novel Read online

  The woman disappeared behind a curtain. She returned with a dark-brown bottle and stood at the cash register.

  Without apology she declared the high price. May reached into her neckline and took out the money. She thought her hand might shake as she passed it over, but it looked steady.

  The large woman placed it in the till then leaned in close though the store was empty.

  Miss Turner instructed, “Take three pills each night and each morning spaced twelve hours apart until they are gone. It is unlikely you will be capable of being out of bed for at least a week. Drink a good amount of lemon water with honey and garlic or ginger. Good luck.”

  Those words hung like a warning as May left the shop.

  Anxious to get the process over, May unscrewed the bottle as she sat on the trolley. She kept it low on her lap, hidden in the fold of fabric between her legs. She tapped three pills into her left hand. May sent a silent prayer: Please release me from this condition. One by one she swallowed them without water, leaving a painful lump in her throat. She swallowed repeatedly but the uncomfortable sensation stayed with her as she traveled home.

  The pills were in her belly, hopefully taking effect, as she walked through the front garden. The white carnations, representing motherhood, taunted her. She wanted a child eventually, four actually, but not one who’d been abandoned by his father. She marched by the flowers and through the door.

  Nana Lisbeth quizzed her by raising her eyebrows.

  “I fear I caught a stomach virus or perhaps a food illness,” May lied directly to her grandmother. Up until now her deception was only of omission. She didn’t like being a person who hid the truth but preferred it to being pitied.

  “Up to bed,” Nana Lisbeth said. “I’ll bring you some tea. Ginger and lemon sound good?”

  “Yes, please,” May replied, grateful for her grandmother’s kindness. “With honey too.”

  May was in the bathroom vomiting when Nana Lisbeth brought the cup. After settling May back into bed she returned with a large ceramic bowl and a damp washcloth. Nana Lisbeth gently wiped May’s brow and arms.

  “Better?” she asked.

  May nodded. She mouthed, thank you.

  “Of course,” Nana Lisbeth patted May’s arm. “You rest. I’ll be back up in a bit. Do you feel ready for plain rice?”

  Her stomach lurched at the thought of food. She shook her head. Nana Lisbeth left and May lay there; sitting up, she dozed with a white porcelain bowl on her lap. The dry retches were horrid, but she could rest between bouts of heaving.

  May heard the front door open and close. Momma was home from her job at the market. Soon she came upstairs with another cup of tea, though May had hardly drunk any of the first. Momma looked down at May, concern in her eyes.

  “Has anyone been ill at work?”

  “No, I suspect it’s from my lunch yesterday. I’m sure I will be fine soon.”

  “Shall I send word to John?” Momma asked.

  His name sent her stomach low; May shook her head. Momma’s features pulled inward, showing confusion, then understanding opened them wide.

  “Your relationship has . . . ended?” Momma asked.

  May blinked and nodded.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” Momma said, patting May’s arm.

  Momma looked sad too, like her own heart was breaking. May bristled at the pity, but the kindness caused her to tear up. She wanted to hide.

  A bout of intestinal cramps came upon May, causing her to rush to the bathroom to empty her bowels. It was disgusting, but she examined the bowl to see if the tonic was achieving her desired results. There was nothing red in there that indicated it was working as she hoped. She returned to bed, sweaty and spent. God, please let this be over soon.

  Back in bed, she let Momma wipe her brow with a cool, wet cloth. It was so kind, so soothing. May considered telling her mother the truth of her state, but couldn’t imagine adding to her concern nor engaging in any conversation. She only wanted to curl up and close her eyes.

  Momma raised Anne of the Island. “Want me to read out loud?”

  She picked the perfect story. May had plowed through the first two in the series so many times the pages were falling from the novels; she’d longed to be like the spunky heroine in Anne of Green Gables.

  “Thank you.” May nodded.

  Momma started at the beginning as May rested with her eyes closed, interrupted by trips to the bathroom. May was as sick as she’d ever been in her life. Many fluids left her body, but none of them red.

  Five days later May left her bed, recovered from the treatment, but not cured of her dilemma. If her calculations were correct she would be delivering a baby in March 1916, but she didn’t have to raise it. She wasn’t surrendering her future to a mistake.

  CHAPTER 6

  MAY

  July 1915

  During worship Elena leaned forward past her mother to peer at May. Her raised eyebrows asked a question. May pursed her lips and shook her head slightly. Then May shrugged, took in a deep breath, and sighed. Nana Lisbeth patted her leg. In the days since she recovered, Momma and Nana Lisbeth showed kindness while allowing her much-desired distance. They read her preference for privacy accurately, but didn’t know the true reason. She allowed them to assume her pain was solely from John breaking off with her.

  Elena was at her side as soon as worship ended.

  “We’ll see you at home,” Elena told her mother. She grabbed May’s hand and they strolled to her aunt and uncle’s.

  “Well?” Elena inquired.

  Glad to finally speak of it, May said in a rush, “It was awful. As ill as I have ever been. But I never saw anything red come out of me.”

  May swallowed hard. Elena squeezed her hand. They walked for a block in silence. Overwhelmed and embarrassed, May felt her head pound in uncertainty.

  Elena asked, “Are you still hiding it from Aunt Sadie and Nana?”

  May nodded. “I won’t keep this baby! I can’t bear the shame of being a mother before I’m a wife.” Her voice broke. “I’d be dependent on Nana Lisbeth and Momma forever.”

  “I think you are being harsh on yourself, and all the other women who find themselves in your position.”

  May took a breath and exhaled hard. “Before I was in this position I would have said the same. But now? I want this behind me, I want this baby to have a good home and I do not want Nana Lisbeth nor Momma to ever learn of it.”

  “How can you conceal it from them?” Elena asked. “While you are living with them.”

  “It will be winter when I am as large as you are. Heavy coats and sweaters along with a girdle will hide my condition.”

  Elena made a distressed face. “Ouch!”

  “It won’t be simple or comfortable . . . but I can’t bear the shame of facing Momma’s quiet disappointment. She never cared for John. Though she attempted to keep her feelings hidden, I could tell she didn’t trust him. I thought she was wrong, but it turns out I was the fool.”

  “May, don’t be so hard on yourself,” Elena chided. “You took every wise precaution. He led you to believe he was honorable, that there was good reason to put your trust in him.”

  “Did he, really?” May said. “Or did I only want to see him as trustworthy?”

  “May! Kind and respectable men do not date someone for more than a year, meet her family, and introduce them to his own if they are not intending an engagement. He is the one who let things go too far. He should have broken it off before you crossed that line. It’s why he has behaved so horridly. He knows he should be ashamed of his reprehensible behavior.”

  “You really believe so?” May asked, sounding like a pathetic schoolgirl.

  “Absolutely.”

  “Thank you,” May replied. “It shouldn’t, but it means very much to me to know you don’t think me a fool.”

  “In matters of the heart we all become foolish,” Elena said. “Nature, God, needed it to be so.”

  May’s resolve hardened. “I am not going to let one imprudent mistake ruin my life.”

  “What’s your plan?” Elena asked. “How can I help?”

  “As you know, Cousin Naomi is a nurse at the Booth Home for Unwed Mothers. She’s mentioned they arrange adoptions,” May explained. “I can deliver there, and they will find a good family for the baby.”

  “You are certain?”

  “Absolutely,” May declared, sounding more confident than she felt. This next year was going to be an ordeal, but she was determined to get through it. “Can I stay with you after the New Year?” she requested. “It will be extremely difficult to hide my belly in the last weeks. I’ll help with your baby.”

  “Of course,” her cousin agreed readily.

  “Peter will approve?”

  “He’s very fond of you—always has been,” Elena replied. “I think secretly he still holds a hope Leonardo can win your heart.”

  Three years ago, Elena and Peter encouraged May to allow his younger cousin to court her. At the time they were classmates at Oakland High. Leonardo was kind enough, but so shy that she hardly knew him though they’d been in school together for many years. May wasn’t interested in settling for an Oakland boy. She’d set her sights on marrying a sophisticated San Francisco man. May had firmly rejected the suggestion then and she felt the same now.

  May shook her head and laughed. “Would Leonardo want my heart now that I’m tarnished?”

  “May! You are being ridiculous.”

  “If I do not make fun of myself, I fear I will feel sorry for myself,” May said.

  “You will be more than welcome to stay with us, whenever you need a place to live,” Elena said, returning to the subject at hand.

  “Thank you,” May replied, so very grateful. “I can come s
ooner if you want my help with your baby before then.”

  Elena nodded.

  May continued with her plan: “I will keep working for the anthropology department for now, but I do not intend to stay at the University of California after the New Year. It is a painful reminder of . . .”

  May stopped talking. Fury and sorrow twisted her heart into a knot. Sitting at her desk, she remembered the excitement and joy when John came to see her. She’d spent much time daydreaming about a home with him . . . and now that future was lost forever.

  May said, “In seven months this will be behind me and I will get on with my life. John Barrow will become a distant memory.”

  “That’s the spirit,” Elena said.

  May looped her arm through Elena’s. The foggy morning was now a sunny afternoon. A seagull flew overhead in the bright-blue sky. May was satisfied with her plan for her future.

  Many weeks later May delighted in the delicious scent of garlic and onions as she walked in their front door after work. Finally past the nauseated phase of her pregnancy, she looked forward to eating dinner. She enjoyed the taste once again, and food stayed inside her. She’d miss Nana’s cooking when she moved out and was grateful for it while she lived here. Nana Lisbeth was in the kitchen stirring their largest pot.

  “Elena is in labor,” Nana Lisbeth exclaimed, excitement filling her voice.

  May wished she shared her grandmother’s unequivocal enthusiasm. Of course, she was delighted for her cousin, but it was complicated to be welcoming this baby as she was hiding the presence of another. She wished she could just be happy for Elena, but a jealous knife cut into her heart—and then she was mad at herself for being unkind to her dearest and most supportive companion.

  “Diana said that Naomi is attending the birth!” Nana Lisbeth declared.

  May smiled.

  “It will be a most amazing welcome to the newest member of our family. I have not seen Naomi since . . .”—Nana Lisbeth considered, her white eyebrows pulled together in thought—“too long! Perhaps Jordan’s birthday the year before last.”

  Nana Lisbeth shook her head, and continued, “Can you believe Naomi saved you twenty years ago . . . and today she will be welcoming my next great-grandchild. What a blessing!”

  May felt the heavy weight of her secret. She wanted Naomi to midwife her delivery, but wished for Nana Lisbeth to never know about it. Would she really keep this secret from her grandmother forever? Telling her seemed more distasteful than keeping it private.

  Oblivious to May’s torn state Nana Lisbeth said, “I told Diana we would bring soup and bread—and stay as long as we are helpful. It’s all ready. I’ve only been waiting for you.”

  “What about Momma?” May asked.

  “Leave her a note. She works until closing tonight and may be too tired to join us.”

  “Let me change clothes and then I’ll be ready,” May replied.

  “Wear something comfortable because you may be sleeping in it,” Nana Lisbeth declared, sounding like they were going to a party.

  Comfortable, May thought to herself as she walked to her room. She’d been terribly conscious of her clothing for weeks. Her womb was barely starting to bulge out, but so far she could hide her condition without a corset. Soon enough she’d be adding that to her morning routine. May put on her loosest dress, which made her look like she was going out in a nightgown. Nana Lisbeth approved of her outfit with a nod and they set out into the dark and foggy night to welcome a new member of the family.

  Uncle Sam and Peter were chatting when May and Nana walked into the living room. The father-to-be looked scared and a little lost. Nana Lisbeth patted his cheek after they exchanged a hug.

  “Your life is about to change . . . forever,” she declared. It was almost a taunt, but also an invitation. She leaned in close to his chest.

  In a loud whisper she spoke to his heart: “You are about to feel more love than you have ever imagined. It can be a little painful to make room for so much devotion.”

  “Ma!” Uncle Sam chastised. “Don’t scare the boy. He will be a fine father and make his way like most of us do!”

  May’s heart sank. She put her hand on her own belly and then quickly raised it so as not to reveal her secret. Little one, you will have a father who loves you . . . just not John Barrow.

  “They are in the bedroom,” Uncle Sam directed. “We aren’t allowed, but I’m sure you are.”

  Peter hugged May, clinging on a little longer than typical.

  “She’s strong. They’ll be fine,” May reassured him.

  He scrunched his whole face tight and nodded repeatedly for a few seconds.

  “I didn’t know I’d be so scared,” he said. His voice broke. Peter loved Elena so much.

  She patted his arm, smiled her reassurance, and said, “It will be over soon, and you can meet your baby.”

  “Not soon enough, unless I hear a cry before you open that door.” He laughed. “Tell Elena I love her.” Peter’s eyes shone with tears. May’s matched his—for many reasons. Not all of them generous.

  Elena lay on her side under the covers, thin strands of her brown hair stuck to her sweaty face. Her eyes were closed and she bleated like a sheep. May looked from face to face, but no one seemed alarmed by her state. Auntie Diana sat on the edge of the mattress, close to her daughter, breathing so obviously that May could hear the long exhale.

  Peter’s sister, Alexandra, sat wide-eyed in a chair nearby. She looked like May felt, scared and excited. This was the first birth for both of them.

  Naomi sat at the foot, patting Elena’s leg over the blanket. May instantly felt reassured to see their cousin. Naomi turned and welcomed May with a nod.

  The animal sound stopped and Elena opened her eyes. She blinked a few times.

  Aunt Diana looked up and smiled a welcome at Nana Lisbeth and May. “Come say hello.”

  Nana Lisbeth walked to Elena, gave her a kiss on her cheek and said, “You are about to be a mama. I can’t wait to hold that precious one.”

  Elena smiled, but didn’t move. She looked like she was in a different world, asleep with her eyes open.

  May leaned over and whispered, “Peter says he loves you. And so do I.” Her voice broke and tears burned behind May’s eyeballs. Elena opened her mouth to reply. Suddenly she gasped, and a loud bleat came out of her throat.

  Auntie Diana rubbed the back of Elena’s pelvis and inhaled loudly and slowly once again. When the surge stopped Naomi said quietly, “They are coming very fast now. Do you feel as if you have to go to the bathroom with the labor pains?”

  Slowly, Elena nodded once.

  “That sensation means your baby is ready to come out. You can help as much as you wish. Soon it will become so strong that you cannot resist. Then you will bear down with each pain. Do you understand?”

  Elena gave another small nod.

  “I will lift the blanket and perhaps your leg. Your family will help too, yes?”

  Elena’s eyes scrunched as she worked to understand or reply.

  “Your body knows what to do, you don’t have to think about it,” Naomi reassured. “And I am here to do what needs to be done.”

  “We are here too,” Aunt Diana said.

  Elena visibly relaxed.

  Naomi gestured for May to come to her. May leaned over and her cousin whispered, “Stay there in case I need you to hold her leg up, yes?”

  “Yes,” May agreed, hoping she would be adequate to the task. Nana Lisbeth came behind her and said, “You get the best seat in the house.” She patted May’s arm and went to the chair near Peter’s sister.

  The next wave came and the midwife raised the blanket. Elena’s legs were curled together.

  “I’m going to lift your right leg so I can see what is going on with your body,” Naomi said. “May will hold it up to help you.”

  Naomi gestured for May to sit to her side. She showed May how to rest her elbow on the mattress with her hand open. The confident woman rested Elena’s leg in May’s palm. The calf was warm and sticky, and notably heavy.

  “Hello, baby!”

  Between Elena’s legs was the top of a head with dark, wet hair. The infant was right there! May could not keep her eyes off it as it bulged out the slightest bit. Naomi’s brown finger ran around the edge where Elena’s body ended and the baby’s head rested. The opening grew ever so slightly.